Sometimes parents might avoid talking to their child about what they experienced, because they are worried about upsetting them. But creating space to talk about what happened can be a useful way to help them overcome their distress, even if it is difficult at first.

If your child wants to talk about the trauma, it is a good idea to let them.

Avoiding talking can send the wrong message. Your child may think they shouldn’t talk about what happened. Or they may imagine that it was too awful to talk about.

Don’t just wait for your child to come to you, but also don't force them to talk. The important thing is to make it clear that it is okay to talk and try to be open and available. That way your child understands that the trauma is something that they can talk about with you.

This is quite common, so try not to be offended.

Some children choose not to talk about the traumatic experience because they don’t want to upset parents. Some, who are coping well, may simply not want to go over it again. Others are not yet ready to talk. If this applies to your child, ask them how they are feeling and make sure they know you are there when they do feel able to open up.

You may find yourself asking your child questions but getting little or nothing back. Again, this is common. Continue to ask open questions and remind your child that you are available and ready to listen when they are ready.

If your child finds talking about what happened too difficult you cannot—and should not—force them. Instead, you could:

• Consider whether there’s someone else they could talk to—another family member, trusted close friend, or teacher who they have a good relationship with.
• Let your child know you are there for them if they need you.
• Some children might like to draw what happened or write it down.

It can be difficult to find the ‘perfect’ time to talk about the trauma or how your child is feeling.

The important thing to keep in mind is to make sure that the space is one where they feel safe enough to talk, and that you are able to take care of them if they get upset or overwhelmed.

Sometimes, it can be helpful to have a dedicated time to sit down and talk with your child. This can be planned with your child, or you can pick a time when you feel as though your child has the capacity to talk. Or your child may approach you themselves.

For children who avoid talking about it, you can talk at times when the focus is less on the worries. For example, when you are in the car, walking the dog, cooking, or shopping. This can mean that they feel less ‘put on the spot’.

Some ways to initiate a conversation include:

• How have you been feeling since [the event]?
• Is there anything that you would like to talk about?
• How are you doing?

1. Keep the conversation open. Let them tell you how they are feeling – try to avoid labelling or telling them what they are feeling. And make sure your own feelings are not getting in the way – this can mean you may find it helpful to talk to loved ones about your own feelings.
2. Keep it at their pace and be aware of their emotions. Be aware of cues (verbal, facial, or body language) to determine whether they are ready to talk about certain memories or feelings
3. Start with discussing how your child is feeling. Then you can build up to specific, scarier parts of the experience or more difficult emotions.

The main goal here is to help the child make sense of:

• What happened.
• What they are experiencing.
• And to identify and reframe any unhelpful thoughts.

Tip:

Try to use questions they can’t answer with a straight ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’ ‘Open questions’ can get them talking and help you understand their point of view.

Sometimes it may be helpful to help your child find words for their strong feelings, especially if they are younger.

Remember to keep your child’s age in mind and use language which they are able to understand.

Here are some examples:

• What do you remember about what happened?
• How did you feel about it at the time?
• What were you thinking when it happened?
• Why do you think it happened?
• How do you feel about it now?
• What are you worried about right now?

It is important to communicate in a manner which is clear, curious, kind, and to respect how they are feeling and what they are saying. Try not to judge your child’s actions or feelings.

Focus on asking and listening and give them opportunity to disagree.

The main thing is to be there and to listen. However, after a bad experience, it is quite common for children to feel more vulnerable, feel as though they are changed for the worse in some way, or as if the world is more dangerous than before.

You can help by:

• Reminding your child that they are safe and that the trauma is over.
• Helping them to see that the world has not changed, and they are still safe. 
• Encouraging them not to blame themselves—for example, help them understand they didn’t cause what happened, or that everyone makes mistakes.
• Rethink any unhelpful thoughts —for example, thinking that the same thing is likely to happen again, or that they didn’t cope well.
• Reassuring them that feeling bad after a trauma doesn't mean they will feel that way forever.
• Let the know that these feelings are normal (e.g. “I would be feeling scared if I went through what you did”).
• Focusing on the positives of what happened and praise them for things they did well and any coping strategies they used.

Sometimes, especially for younger children, having a conversation may be difficult. In this case, you can encourage your child to express their feelings and memories through other mediums. For example:

• Painting
• Play
• Story-telling
• Using puppets to express how they feel
• Making a ‘worry box’ or book to record their thoughts in

This can make the discussion less scary or even boring. You can also follow up conversations with a little reward, especially after a discussion which may be particularly difficult.

The best thing you can do here is to validate their emotions, and that it is okay to feel upset and that they will not feel this way forever.

Try to stay together and talk until you are both feeling OK, rather than stopping or avoiding the conversation.

Rather than avoiding the conversation altogether, soothe them so that they can be ready to talk through it again. Either shortly after, or at another time.

Remember we don’t expect you to be a therapist. If your child seems overwhelmed by their distress, it can help to seek support. Contact your GP if you are worried about your child’s reactions or feel you could do with professional help.

As your child returns to 'normal life', people might ask questions about what happened. This can be stressful for your child. So, it might be helpful to prepare some responses to questions your child might be asked.

As your child becomes more able and comfortable discussing what happened and how they are feeling with you, you could work together and have some responses ready. They could use these if they are questioned by others (e.g., friends, or family members). Some questions you can think about are:

• What happened?
• How are you feeling?
• When will you get better?

They don't have to use these response - sometimes just knowing they are prepared can ease anxiety or anticipation.